… or, “Where Half My Stuff Came From”
IKEA!
Where the only thing promised
Is anything you could ever need, for the rest of your life
IKEA!
Where magic lurks in every corner
Which is a lot, because the pathways all have fifteen right angles
IKEA!
Where we shuffle past fully furnished rooms
Exhibits of how we already live
People at a people museum
IKEA!
Where they possess the power
To transform any dorm room
Into that same dorm room, only if it were in Helsinki
IKEA!
Where 75% of the city learn where Red Hook is
And the other 25% say “There goes Red Hook”
IKEA!
The only place in New York
Where absolutely everyone
Walks slower
Than you
IKEA!
Where each helpful “You Are Here” sign taunts you
With graphical evidence of just how little progress you’ve made
IKEA!
The first store on Earth
Where someone has to show you
How to buy things
IKEA!
Where the merchandise has names
You wish you’d thought of
When you got your dog
“Here, Kläppe!”
IKEA!
Where everything weighs three hundred pounds
Because apparently the Swedes have learned to build furniture
Out of dark matter
IKEA!
Where a simple, elegant chair
Will, no matter how solid it appears in the showroom
Come in three boxes
IKEA!
Where Aisle 8, Bin 55
Does not actually exist
IKEA!
Where I am just about ready to strangle the very next motherf—
Oh my good holy lord, have you tried these meatballs??
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